The Bracelet and the Miracle

Here is an excerpt I wrote on my blog last September 24: "We went on a family trip (Clay, me, Jared and Payne, my parents, and my brother and his family) to Greece and Turkey at the beginning of August. I should have had a wonderful time, but I could not. This was when the disease really hit me and I was still in the dark about the ramifications of the illness. All I knew is that I wanted to sleep all of the time, Clay had to hold me when attempting to go up ruins or stepping off a sidewalk, my balance was really off, plus many other things. Who knew at the time it would be just a matter of time that I would find myself where I am now: in a fight for my life.

The picture on the blog is the last picture taken of me in Greece. I bought a leather bracelet there that you will see me wearing all the time. These are reminders to me that I will get back to Greece and Turkey some day in perfect health. Expect Miracles!"


TODAY:
Even though I am not in Greece of Turkey, I am in Europe almost exactly a year to date. It was time to take the bracelet off. After all, it was made of cheap leather and only cost a couple of bucks. However, to me it has been worth millions of dollars. Every time I have looked at it I am reminded of one of my lowest points and how far I have come. Now I will put it in a beautiful container and place it someplace I will still see often - and remember: "I am confident that the good works in me will be perfected" (Phil. 1:6) and my time has not yet come. There is still much to be done!

here we go again...

I decided to begin my blog again. In all honesty, it is probably for selfish reasons. Since ending it, the emotional path I have taken has been rocky. I thought my good news was going to "free" me but I took another look and it just bound me. The realization hit me that I would have this disease forever. There are no cures and there is no remission. My life, and the lives of those around me, have profoundly changed forever. I am going to live with it - but I am going to put up a good fight for it.
Several people have encouraged me to start the blog again and I resisted because I was not in the throws of the fight anymore and why do people want to read it? But after much thought, I do believe that maybe so many people with illness go through these new stepping stones. So even if I can touch one other person I am going to do it. No obligations for anyone to have to read it.
On Oct 13 of last year I gave Clay a copy of a page out of my Bible. I had written "I believe this is why God led me to do the blog. Thank you for supporting me.". The notes in the Bible said "But genuine relationships are built on honest communication, where we share with others who we really are. It is only when honest feelings are shared that real people can be known, loved, and helped at the deepest levels."
Mahalo and God Bless to all!

Pressed beyond measure; yes, pressed to great length;
Pressed so intensely, beyond my own strength;
Pressed in my body and pressed in my soul,
Pressed in my mind till the dark surges roll.
Pressure from foes, and pressure from dear friends.
Pressure on pressure till life nearly ends.

Pressed into knowing no helper but God;
Pressed into loving His staff and His rod.
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things.
Pressed into living my life for the Lord,
Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured.

another try

I thought I might start writing on my blog again even if no one reads it. It seems to help me: Here are some comments from my first post:

Great idea to create a blog. We are praying for you and like to receive updates.
September 1, 2009 6:35 AM

Angela said...
Testing to see if I can comment now. This is an excellent idea! Hope you're having a good morning. A.
September 1, 2009 6:46 AM

liz.mchugh said...
I'm so glad you started a blog, Dawn. I hope this will be a good outlet for you, and for us as your friends. At least for me, I am really interested in keeping up with what's going on.


All these comments are true. I do still need an outlet. I was on such a high after my last post after seeing the doctor with his good news. And I stayed that way for a while - but what was not expected was you begin your life again, it is not your life anymore. I will now forever be saddled with medications and appointments. Don't get me wrong: I am glad I am alive. I just did not know the adjustment was going to be so difficult.

Here is a quote I read that I have posted on my vanity: "The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." I am doing my best to have true faith.

testing

email me if you have received this message

signing off...

This past Saturday morning I saw my OB/GYN at our kids basketball game. I told him I had gotten an awesome report at the liver specialist. He said he already knew because Dr. Galati had told him. Apparently, he saw a miracle and had to tell someone.

The dictionary defines miracle as "an extraordinary event attributed to some supernatural agency." But I know better...I know that is attributed to One: God. At the bottom of all of my emails I put "Expect miracles!" I was expecting a miracle in overcoming my illness and I birthed it - with God and my faithful prayer warriors on my side!

I will greatly miss doing this blog. At first I had my reservations. After all, my first words posted were "Let's give this a try..." My natural personality is to keep things private so it was a bold step for me to write my feelings for all to see. But to see your responses and your prayers was a boon in the midst of my sadness. Being able to share my new outlook on life was refreshing. So that is why I write this last post with great trepidation.

Please know that one of the many, many things I have learned in this process is how important it is to pray and help others in their time of need - just as you all have. I, too, want to "Practice Aloha" in my everyday life. With this in mind, please email me prayer requests or any such matters at dwtrozzo@aol.com.

I do still ask for your prayers: While there is no such thing as remission for my disease, I can continue to work and pray hard that I idle (or get even better) in this stage. I will continue on my diet, take my medications and take care of my "temple" so as not to relapse.

I know that I am one of the lucky ones. All your hard work as my prayer warriors will not go to waste. God obviously has more for me to do here on earth. "I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected." (Phil. 1:6)

Thank you!

a beautiful day today

I all honesty I am still trying to absorb the results from my doctor's appointment, which is why I have not written on my blog. I do intend to spend some time with it and the write on my blog - probably for the last time.
Many have asked what the doctor said, so I will go ahead and fill you in on that:
1) It appears that my liver has done some regeneration. They do not know the extent of it until they run a scan in 2 months.
2) I will remain on all my medications.
3) I am still on a restricted diet.
4) I will have bloodwork taken every 6 weeks now instead of every 2 weeks.
5) I do not have to see the doctor again for another 4 months.
6) I do not have to have a liver transplant! I am not even on that radar anymore. I don't even have to see the transplant psychiatrist anymore.
7) I can travel anywhere - even Europe in August! I have to practice Aloha in the islands soon and the only time I can get away without missing the boys sports is spring break (and I am not sure we can all get reservations at this late date). Clay and I are planning a 3 day getaway in 2 weeks - probably somewhere warm in southern Florida (anybody have any suggestions?).
I will write more at a later time. In the meantime, remember to continue practicing aloha!

Which beach do I pick?

I am all clear: don't need a liver transplant at this time nor in the forseeable ffuture. And I can travel...details to come another time...
Thank you for your prayers!

A worry wart???

Wednesday will be my "big" doctor's appointment. I have not seen Dr. Galati in 2 months - and that is good because it means my bloodwork is showing good results.

I intend to ask the big questions: "Do I still have to have a liver transplant?" "May I travel (please!!!)?" "May I try to live my life as normally as possible (with the obvious dietary restrictions and medications?" "May I make longterm plans?"

I am naturally a worry wart (where the heck did that phrase come from?). But I read something in Jesus Calling this morning that I intend to repeat to myself this week every time I get scared about my doctor's appointment:
"Rehearsing your troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them when they actually occur."
"I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust."

I am posting this today because I may not get back to my blog until the appointment. I will probably put up some posts while at the doctor's office (yes, Clay came through on our anniversary and upgraded my blackberry and got me a netbook).

"But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?" Psalms 56:3-4

My appointment is this Wednesday, January 20th at 1:45 Central time.

Thank you for your specific prayers!

Thank you, Clay!

In all of my blogs, I believe I have neglected to write much about Clay. The spouse is often "the forgotten one" in a situation such as this. All focus is on the sick one. However, I believe that what they may be going through may be as hard, if not harder.

All sorts of things come into play in a marriage when one comes down with a life-threatening illness. The sick one is often depressed, moody, introspective. We who are sick go from not wanting to talk about the illness at all to not shutting up about it and letting it invade every conversation. Plainly, we are focusing all our attention and energy fighting the disease, while sometimes forgetting our spouse needs us also.

Roles have changed in that Clay has to be the nurturer. Imagine having to take over "mommy duties" while still having to make a living (think medical bills). "...when men become care givers, they often don't ask for the support they need because they may be too stoic,' said Betty Ferrell, a nurse-researcher at City of Hope National Medical Center in Duarte, Calif. Men 'really do feel the financial burden. They feel they must try to keep things normal, to keep going to work'.''

The spouse hurts too. I have tried my best to help Clay. To say that all of your prayers and words have encouraged me, please know I have, hopefully, shared it all with Clay.

In a popular hospital drama on television, a divorced man with children was dying and needed to make some major medical decisions. His ex-wife came in and helped him make this decision and spent all her time with him - not his current wife. When the major surgery was over and he lived and he was recovering nicely, the doctor was surprised to see the current wife, not the ex-wife, tending to him now. He inquired about this and the patient said: "There are those you want to live with and those you want to die with."

I choose Clay to live and die with!

Clay - I am so thankful God brought us together 15 years ago today. Happy Anniversary! P.S. Clay - I sent this blog out early this morning so you would have time to go shopping! :):)

I think I can, I think I can

Thank you all so much for all of your prayers!

"The blessing and the hope and the power and the glory belong to the One on the throne, and to the Lamb forever and ever." (Rev 5:13)

This past Thursday I began a downhill trek on this mountain. I finally have been feeling like the old me - only better: a renewed self. I finished a couple of books and began new ones, including 2 that had the same quote that really appealed to me: "We will nobly win or meanly lose this last great hope on earth." (Abraham Lincoln wrote this about America in a letter to Congress shortly after the creation of the Emancipation Proclamation.) I have been attending all the boys events with vigor, exercising (albeit I have a long way to go in this area), taking naps sparingly, running errands, and working on some other things that will fulfill God's purpose for me.

However, let me be clear. I fully realize this journey is a mountain range and not just the one mountain. Any day I could hit a another mountain, a small hill or just a bump - or even a higher mountain. I will keep in mind: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for it is God's will for those in Christ Jesus. (I Thes 5:18)."

I have an appointment with my doctor next week and pray it goes as well as I feel because "I am confident that the good works God has begun in me will be perfected." (Phil. 1:6) I am not yet finished with my work!

By the way, all the quotes above are from memory. After writing on my blog about my memory problem I decided to make flash cards for myself. Sounds rather elementary, but I have to take baby steps in this new life of mine.

Remember that line?

What was a favorite gift you received this year? I mean other than the wonderfully obvious ones like: spending time with your family, your health, and just, in general, celebrating the birthday of Jesus Christ?

One of my favorites was a book Clay gave me: West with the Night. On the back of the book a portion of the review reads: "...written so well, and marvelously well, that I was completely ashamed of myself as a writer." Who was the reviewer? Time magazine? John Grisham? James Patterson? Ken Follet? No! Ernest Hemingway! So you just have to know it is must be great...and good 'ole Ermest has not let me down.

I have always loved reading. At any given time, I am reading at least 5 books at once. When I leave the house, I always take a book, my blackberry, my credit cards...AND my Barnes and Noble frequent user card.

A highlighting pen is a necessity. I love to be able to reread what I believe to be important. Additionally, there are some lines so significant I like to memorize them (and isn't this especially helpful when reading the Bible so I can be ready with my sword?).

One of the side effects of liver disease and the medications are memory problems. Mine tends to lean towards short term memory. This has really put a hinderance on my pleasure of reading because I have trouble not only remembering specific lines - but with titles of the books, major characters, etc. My family loves trivia games and it is really hurting my scores too! :):)

Seriously, I do ask that you pray for my memory. I have been given the option of a medication but its side effects sound like those horrible television commercials that spend 3 minutes talking about how the pills can cause yada, yada, yada and "even lead to stroke and heart attack." Right now I am trying a doctor's suggestion of eating yogurt with live cultures - but I am not sure that is doing much good.